I just have something to say.

April 22, 2011

I don't even know where to start really. 
 I have a lot of built up crust on the inside that
I don't let anyone really see or try to wipe away.
 I store it there and I leave it because 
I just don't know what else to do with it.
I have kind of hit a point where I just need to vent it all.
 I don't have the best relationships in the world 
with some of the people in my life that I should. 
 I don't know if its because we butt heads and 
it's just never worked out, or if its really because I am
 this horrible person I'm made out to be. 
 I get in these moods where I feel helpless almost
 and it seems that at my most vulnerable moments
 the worst of everything happens. 
As a kid, I was misunderstood,
 much like I am now.
 I am quick to get an attitude if I don't agree
usually misguided to being "disrespectful" [which it is not]
 I stick to my guns, no matter what the other party thinks, 
 I am true to my word and never budge,
all things that I undoubtedly am working on
but I am also a very caring, sensitive and open minded person
especially when it comes to being a mother.
I more times than none, listen.
I am not quick to point fingers, 
 especially if I know the truth, 
 I am not quick to judge, if I do not know the other person
 but I am pinned, constantly for this non sense. 

I just want to one day be able to walk without 
worrying about the eggshells below. I want to be able to wake up
and know I can depend on certain people in my life-
not like I'm this huge burden.
Just because you've been around longer, or may have been through
some of the same obstacles as me- does not mean its
 easier for me not to make mistakes. I am a grown woman
and above all a human being
 with odds less than most people because 
I tend to forget things, even if I'm told one million times, 
 because I do get an attitude from time to time, 
because I do furrow my brows when I don't understand,
 and because I tend to cry and hide in my shell when 
I am most upset.
 but that doesn't make me any less of a person
 and it doesn't make your life experience
 any harder than mine, just because you've been there, done that. 
It just means you've lived in your shoes
 in the same circumstances and beat the odds.

we are all different.
I don't wear the same clothes as you.
 we don't like the same kind of music.
 we don't believe in the same things [and that's okay].
I'm thankful for that.
 but let me be who I am. who I know I am, 
who I have worked so hard to be
 and let me be free.

I don't need to believe in your God. 
& I don't need to be on my A game every day-
 I do however, need to be comfortable with myself.
I am a mother first.
 everything else comes after that.
I do need to be smart about my life. 
I make my own decisions, responsible decisions
whether you agree with them or not.
 I will and can be all of the things I want to be
 with or without you 
 though I prefer you stand with me.
and that's all.


  1. I understand you. I really really do. I've been doing my best not to drown in my pent up emotions lately. It's hard. Don't take this the wrong way... but you sound hard-headed.... like me. Email me anytime you want to vent!

  2. I hope you and these other people can come to friendly terms. You are such an amazing person, an amazing mother and woman, and it truly reflects in your writing here. <3

  3. Hang on the pooter for a sec. I'm finishing up a "celebrating my girlfriends" blog and YOU are in it. <3 I know it doesn't help with the poo you're dealing with (I hope it isn't the same old same old... but I'm awake and you can text me if you want to!), but maybe it'll make you smile.

  4. @drea- hard headed is the perfect word. I'm surprised I didn't put it in my rant- thank you. I will definitely have to take you up on that email some time lady. I really will, for that you are wonderful.

    @samantha- you're words are kind, thank you love bug.

    @dusti- it helps <3 and you're right, I did smile. I'm getting some shut eye- busy day tomorrow but I will call you after.

  5. Don't feel alone...we all go through these times keep your head up :) I found you on Hop please follow http://sweetcalifornialiving.blogspot.com/

  6. following you from the hop

  7. Following via Moms Social Blog Hop
    Life Below Zero


  9. New to your blog and I obviously got my money's worth! Following on FB and Twitter. All my best to you and your family!!!

    FB: claytonpaulthomas
    Twitter: @claylauren2001

  10. This is me :) Nataly I am the candied apple icon on your followers. I have another blog called
    I Candy Apples and for some reason the icons are different... one is brown like this one and when I follow it is my candied apples :) thanks for the follow

  11. Ahhh, sounds like the story of my life. My old life. ;) I realized along the way that I am who I am. If who I am today in any way makes me feel uncomforable, then I have the ability and capacity to change that ~ for myself. And I have. But never because it makes someone else happy. Along the way I've released people from my life who made me feel nothing but bad, or sad, or angry. This journey should be a joyful one. Find your joy and surround yourself with others who celebrate you. :)

  12. I have been dealing with a lot of pent up emotions lately also. It is the worse when it's people you have to be around dragging you down emotionally, which we all know starts to affect a person physically. I dream of a day when I can push it all away.