changes

and lots of them. 

 I found myself in an emotional break down yesterday.

 it was a mixture of things really, 

 all built up and I finally let it out. 

 I have been so anxious about Adriana

 starting school and I have been trying to deal with it.

After all, she is a big girl and she's so smart

 this is such a big step in her life and I need to get the heck over it. 

 and I will but it will take time. 

 my recipe for emotional disaster

1. fall semester started for me yesterday. 

 2. one of my best friends called and told me about a bomb
threat at our local community college.

3. a 5.9 earthquake shook the entire east, sure it's what the
west stir their coffee with but we don't experience
this much and its terrifying.

 4. open house for Adriana was at 5pm.

  

being anxious for so long didn't help the situation. 

 It wasn't until after getting a text from emergency uncg alerts

 that an earthquake took place did I realize what really happened. 

 I felt the ground shake in the souls of my feet as I sat in the Weatherspoon Museum
watching a video documentary done as a work of art,
 that had insane surround sound.
It didn't phase me that what I felt through my feet,
wasn't in fact the awesomeness of surround sound but an earthquake.

so what, big deal right?

not exactly, I had learned in great detail about earthquakes a couple
of semesters ago.there is no so what big deal earthquake.
 It is the stress under and on our mother earth. so I kept repeating to myself, 

 "oh my god, that was an earthquake" until I scared myself silly.
quite ridiculous when I think back on it.

my dad called. 

 I picked up and instantly started crying. 

 I made him promise me that if I was at school in class

 and something were to happen, like an earthquake, that he would haul ass 

 to Adriana's school to get her if I couldn't get to her fast enough
and that if my mom or grandma had the car that he would run
 as fast as his old man legs could possibly go.
again, ridiculous- but the fear set in.

 I can't protect her when she's at school.

 I can't kiss her boo boo when she falls on the play ground.

 I can't be there to help her if she needs it. 

 I can't be there for her if she needs me. 

 the stress from school that day and the earthquake and the bomb threat

 were all things that scared the living crap out of me and are all things

 I am completely unable to control from happening. 

 It was confiding in family and friends

 that helped me realize, I have to let go. 

 I have to let her go and be the smart little lady she is. 

 Mind you I haven't instilled any of this feeling upon her, 

I wait until she is fast asleep in bed at night to
talk about it or when I am not around her.

 However, she confided in me yesterday that she is a little scared
but that it's because she hasn't ever been in any other environment
 than here at home learning with us and with my parents learning and playing there. 

 open house was wonderful. 

 It gave Adriana an idea of what to expect everyday. 

 The room was so colorful and bright. 

 So many different activities and opportunities for her. 

 Though she was shy and timid, she warmed up

 and told us that 

"even though it's hard growing up, I'm excited"

so this mommy

 has to put a smile on

 be the happiest and most excited

 I've ever been 

 hug and kiss her

give her all my love

 tell her she's going to have such a fun day

 and leave

 knowing she will be taken care of

 and will learn so much. 

once I get into my car-

 there is no doubt in my mind

 I will cry.

 I feel like a basket case and that I'm being dramatic. 

 but I'm being told that what I'm feeling is normal. 

 sigh

 I will be strong so that she knows that every ounce
 in my body is so so so proud of her
and so happy for her to take these big girl steps because I really am!
 I'm just sad to let her go, is all. 

calling all mommies, any advice helps.

 

<3