her story

July 14, 2012

I am so in love with this little lady.
words can't even describe how much I love being her mommy.
the whole reason I'm posting is because those sweet 
little cheeks and lips and tiny little nose
turn six on Monday (July 16th).
my first for so, so many things. 
without her, I don't even know if I would 
have been lucky enough to have kids. 
I've never really talked here on my blog
about this day and I've been asked, so here goes.
I found out I was pregnant with her a month before
I graduated high school, I was five months along- 
yes I'm one of those women who had no idea she 
was pregnant- ask anyone I know who knew me then,
I didn't look pregnant until that fifth month.
I graduated June 6th, 2006.
I felt accomplished but overwhelmed.
my life was going to start in a way I hadn't anticipated.
I was rushed to the hospital July 13th, 2006.
Adriana was suppose to be a September baby but instead
wanted to grace us with her presence two months early.
I was in labor for three days until I couldn't take
the magnesium any longer, so we made the decision to let 
her come as she pleased and that we would be ready for
whatever lay ahead of us, good or bad. 
She was born July 16th, 2006.
I don't really remember what I should have
because of the magnesium but I do remember seeing her 
briefly before they rushed her to the NICU.
I was cleaned up and everyone left the room.
I tell you, that was the only moment in my life where
I felt completely alone and vulnerable. 
I sat on the bed, everyone gone, everything clean
as a whistle, my belly empty, no baby and all who was
in the room previously and those friends and family
who came to sit and wait had followed like a flock
of birds to gather around and see Adriana for
the moment they strolled her out to the elevator.
I sat there on the cold bed, quietly.
I had never felt this sort of emptiness.
was my baby girl okay?
was she going to make it?
I held my belly.
I cried.
a nurse came in and asked me if I needed anything, 
water? ham sandwich? crackers?
I said no but in my head I was screaming-
I hate ham! I don't need water!
I just want my baby.

I remember being wheeled up to the NICU.
I could hardly contain myself-
I was anxious, exhausted and ready to see her.
she was in an incubator, 
I remember reaching my hand in to touch her
and it being double the size of her head.
I remember thinking how much it had to have hurt
to have an IV on the top of her head
and that with each pump of her chest as her heart
beat the little stickers would shake.
I feared for so long that her condition (being so early)
was a result of something I had done.
but I was reassured that I was healthy,
and that these things happen without explanation.


I had many hardships leaving the hospital-
the most important of all was leaving without my baby.
I had NICU nurses who made me feel like I was
the crappiest mother of the year because I wasn't
in the hospital every second of every day.
I was eighteen. 
they looked right through me.
I was some "teenage mother" who didn't care.
I was judged walking in and walking out.
what they didn't know is how ready and willing
I was to be a mother-
not because it happened and I had to be,
but because I had a responsibility and I wanted to be.
I was there as often as I could be.
I wasn't out partying, I wasn't out doing my thing, 
I was preparing for her early arrival at home.
I was there every second of every day that I could be.
I suffered from postpartum depression for a while
and struggled more than I could handle at times but
when Adriana got closer and closer to the weight she
needed to be to leave the NICU, the better I healed.
I had finally got to bring her home and just in time 
for the celebration of her birth and arrival-
her baby shower.

 
I remember moving a lot.
finding my way as a mother.
finding our way as a family.
it wasn't easy- 
there were a lot of bumps in the road.
but nothing in the whole wide world could have
prepared me to love such a sweet little soul
as much as I love her.
I couldn't prepare for something like that.
I felt my love for her way before I felt her move.
and nothing, nothing in this world
could ever, ever change that.
I'm so proud of her.
she is bright and beautiful,
bold and encouraging, 
silly and contagious,
daring and creative
healthy and loving.
she's out of this world perfect to me.
I can't wait to spend the rest of my days
growing older and watching her blossom!


happy birthday sweet little lady.
I love you to the moon and back a million times.
, mommy

4 comments:

  1. Tia this is beautiful, you have a wonderful soul.
    I love you lady.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you sweet lady, I love you too <3

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  2. Happy Birthday, sweet girl! I hope you gave a wonderful day celebrating Adrianna today!

    ReplyDelete