day by day

For my third photography project a few weeks ago I was asked to think about where I saw myself in five years and to capture that with my camera. I absolutely dreaded the thought and immediately became so anxious about one simple question. But is it really that simple? I was told so but just didn't buy it.

I think I've guarded myself from thinking so far ahead due to the events that have taken place in my life. Six years ago, I had different plans. I was a senior in high school, on my fourth year of playing Varsity softball which meant the whole world to me at the time. I had big hopes of playing for Greensboro College with my scholarship and going to school for art. I had no idea that there were different plans laid out for me. I wouldn't for the world change the amazing things that have happened to me since- a strong and loving best friend and father to our beautiful kids, a house over our head, graduation in Spring 2013. I feel lucky to be where I am but I know I can do bigger and better things, I plan to. If you asked me five years ago, where I would be in five years- I wouldn't have imagined being where I am now. I am happy here but when someone asks me where I'll be in the next five years, today- I feel a great sense of anxiety and for a few reasons.

When I decided to go back to school, after Ryland was born- I knew exactly what I wanted to go to school for. Growing up, "I want to be a teacher! I want to teach art" that was my definitive answer. But as time went on things changed and instead of being an art education major (find out more), I am a design major and so happy to be, I feel like I belong. But my whole perspective on life and career changed when I changed my major. I would no longer be teaching in a classroom. It's not for me. I want to own an art gallery. So, if I could pick one place to be in five years, it would be there- but I don't think that is possible just yet. I haven't thought it completely through, I just know it's where my heart truly is. A lot of that comes with the economy- it's just not spectacular or anywhere near it and it may take longer to live my dream until things get better.

The only thing I can guarantee is that I'll be older- I'll be this old lady, can you hear the little violin playing? I'll be thirty, taxiing around my eleven and nine year old (can we pause here for a moment... seriously eleven and nine? that's crazy- they'll be big kids, that's just too much to think of in itself). I do know that I'll have my family. I will take every day as I do now and work with my kids to be as successful as they can be. I want them to know and understand they can be anything they want to be and help them in every way I know how. I don't home school but I do teach my kids the extra things they need to know and reinforce the things they learn. I will forever live if for nothing else, to encourage and love them with all my might.

 

For myself, I let my guard down when I think of the future because I live day by day. I have to. If I think too much about it and I end up setting goals and never getting there, I'll feel like a failure. It's happened in my life- I learned from it. It's too great of an anxiety to build up those hopes when I can just work hard day by day for something that could really be great. It works for me. I'm okay with that. I'm okay not knowing where I will be in five years, call me crazy but I feel more at ease. This doesn't mean I don't expect the best for myself. I'm extremely hard working and determined. I put 110% into everything I do. I don't cut myself short, I just don't like getting my heart broken.

 So the picture above is me in my meditative state of mind. I am completely center with myself. It's a long exposure photo for that reason- the picture wouldn't mean anything if I wasn't really meditating. I didn't include my face in the photo because I wanted those who don't know that I took this picture, to feel the same mystery I do about life- who is this? what does it mean? in comparison to my own questions about the future. It's a mystery but I know that with the hard work and dedication I put into everything, we will be somewhere great. My mutra is the lotus flower which here, means new beginnings. That's how I look at my future, our future, my family's future. I will embrace what ever new beginnings arise and make sure that no matter what, I take and make the best of them- day by day, week by week, year by year. When I hit that five year mark, I bet I'll be just as happy as I am now even if it means I'm not as successful as I want to be or where I want to be completely.

And an even greater part of the future are those who are in my life. I'm grateful to each and every one person because in some way, shape or form they have helped me, encouraged me, inspired me, taught me, grown with me, fought for me and loved me. 


Life is good and I'm looking forward to the day ahead.